Growing up, I had it drilled into my head about how hard of a life my parents had. Growing up in a country that was still trying to recover from WW2 and then being taken over by the Russians and growing up in communistic Poland. They somehow left Poland (it was hard because they had to apply for Visa’s and my mom was not given one until 3-4 years after my dad) before the wall even came down to make a life and have the American Dream. They told me about how in the beginning it was a struggle. All of the sudden, they are in a new country, they don’t know the language and don’t have money to go to school so they learn from their jobs, or from TV. One of my dad’s first jobs here in the USA was pumping gas. This is how he learned English. My mom worked at a factory (where conditions were terrible), even while she was pregnant with me. She worked up until she couldn’t anymore physically, and then I was born. My parent’s education in Poland didn’t count for anything here in USA, so they had to go back to school again. Growing up, if I would cry my dad would always tell me not to cry and to stay strong. I mean, sometimes you can’t help but cry, especially ugly cries (those are the BEST lol). Now, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing at all. My parents were preparing me for life and the hardships I would face. They were preparing me to be tough as nails.
Fast forward to when I just didn’t give a flying f*** about life and people in general. I learned in a short period of time that you can’t trust anyone but yourself, and in my case, my family. There are things I won’t talk about here on the blog because they are extremely personal, but I will talk about some things. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with epilepsy. That was a life changing moment in my life. All of the sudden I was told that I wasn’t normal, and I never would be. I may not be able to have children because it could be dangerous. I had my driving privileges taken away (and I had just gotten my license a few months prior) until they found a drug that got my epilepsy under control. I hated life. I hated everything. There was barely anything that made me happy, until my parents got me Kuba (the family Maltese) for my 18th birthday.
I continued to attend school, even though my dad sat me down and asked if I really wanted to start college and if I wanted to maybe take a semester off. I chose to live as normal of a life as I could. Throughout college I went through my fair share of extremely toxic relationships. I guess I really knew how to pick ‘em back in college. Then I graduated with my Bachelor’s. It was 2009, and in case anyone forgot, 2008 was when the economy crashed. There was no work for me, and I didn’t have connections. I went back to school for my MBA. When I graduated with that, I couldn’t find work. I decided to pack my things and move to Texas.
Texas was good and bad. I learned a lot about myself. I also adopted Lilly, my puggle. Then I had to come home because of something major that happened with my health. I was lost again. When I came home all of my friends were not there for me when I needed them most. I saw their true colors come out. I guess they only liked me when I was willing to break my back for them, but when it came time to do the same for me, they didn’t. It was at this point in my life that I realized I need to be selfish for once and take care of myself. I needed to find myself again, because I had lost that tough as nails chick, who went after everything she wanted. I was completely broken.
Then, things started to look up in November of 2012. I had gotten a really good job. My friend Dan (who I’ve talked about before, and this blog is dedicated to him) celebrated with me by eating chocolate chip pancakes at a local diner.
Then things took a turn for the worst, my friend Dan had lost his battle to cancer on January 5, 2013.
The only friend that I had that believed in me and went out of his way to cheer me up even though on most days he felt like shit, was no longer there.
It wasn’t until I went to go visit his grave that I perked back up again. I was walking through the cemetery looking for his tombstone and was getting really upset that I couldn’t find it (I couldn’t make it to his funeral due to my new job). Then I tripped. Over nothing. And fell right onto where he was laid to rest. I laughed because I could hear him laughing in my head at me being clumsy and I cried happy tears. I knew that even though he was no longer with me physically, he would be there for me in spirit. To honor his memory, I decided to change my life and think the way he did. He was so optimistic, and never took any second of any day for granted.
I started to excel at my new job and ended up being there for over 5 years. At the end of 2014, I had reconnected with an old friend, and in July 2017 we were engaged. Since we started dating I was reconnected with a lot of our old friends from high school/early college days. Unfortunately, we have lost a few of those friends to heroin. When I say the heroin epidemic is a real thing, I’m not lying. And for people to judge people with an addiction is an argument you do not want to get into with me. You will never know what it feels like, until it happens to you or a family member. A lot of times, your addiction starts at the hands of your doctor, when you are prescribed pain killers.
Why am I telling y’all this?
I wanted to give you hope. I wanted to tell y’all that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You may not see it now, but don’t give up. A lot of people have told me that I am one strong person, but it didn’t just come to me. It was something I had to work for. It was something I fought for. Life has thrown many curve balls at me, which made me contemplate ending it all. I didn’t though. I kept fighting. I didn’t pity myself. I got back up on my two feet and said fuck you to the universe and made shit happen. I found that tough as nails chick. I still have my bad days where I just ugly cry, or the days where I’m so filled with anger that I shut down, but I keep going. I’m not a quitter, I must be strong.
Also, as a side note, I received these pants as a review from Shein, and I love them. I was a little worried that they might be too small, or too snug in certain spots, but they fit perfectly. I love that they are a little lose around the waist, because I’m able to wear crop tops and not have to be self conscious about anything bulging out.
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**Please note, I received these pants as a review, however all opinions are my own.
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