A few years ago I wrote two posts, and the one got negative backlash on it from a troll on my blog haha (they posted multiple comments that I deleted and they ended up not following me anymore haha). The one was about how being single is ok, and the second one was a response to that post about how being in a relationship is ok and not settling down for just anyone. Since it’s been quite some time from those two posts, I wanted to write yet another response/update post. I know so many people who rush into relationships or even sometimes rush into marriages and they don’t know their significant other, or they’re divorced within 6 months. They don’t even know if they have a criminal record, because they never thought to ask. How can you possibly marry or date someone that you don’t know the nitty gritty details about? Today I’m going to go over some key factors into knowing whether your significant other is the one or not. Now, I do believe in soul mates (so I may have a bias opinion) and that everyone has that one person out there (of course if they want one, some men and women I know are perfectly fine staying single for their entire lives, and this is totally fine) for you. I don’t recommend speeding up the process, and I do recommend knowing that everyone’s timeline is different. Hell, most of my friends are married and have children already, meanwhile my fiancé and I aren’t even married yet, and don’t plan on having children anytime soon, if ever to be honest. These are things I’ve taken from experience of both being in toxic relationships, and my current relationship, which is obviously going well since we are getting married haha.
Do you worry that there’s another person in your significant other’s life? Do you get jealous over every comment on Facebook from the opposite sex? Does he/she get jealous over the same things? Jealousy is an ugly thing, but it can overpower any relationship if both parties are not committed to one another, and if they don’t trust each other, which brings me to my next topic.
I feel like this goes along with jealousy. If you are jealous, that means there is an underlying insecurity that is causing you not to trust your SO 100%. If you cannot trust the person who is supposed to be your partner in crime, I’m sorry but that’s a major problem. There may have been something that caused you not to trust them like lying, cheating, etc. If you don’t trust your SO now, it’s more likely that, that trust won’t be rebuilt. If you cannot build up trust again, you’ll always second guess every single move they make. Take cheating for example, it will be really hard for you to trust that when he’s going out with the guys, he’s not going to makeout with some random chick at the bar, or even worse, have a one night stand.
If your SO is controlling over everything, this should be enough to realize this isn’t the one for you. One of my exes was so controlling that if I wore a tshirt it was a problem because it was too tight. For a while I “respected his wishes” to cover up more and not go on Facebook, until I found out from a friend that he was posting half naked pictures of himself on Facebook. When I confronted him about it, his first words were, “you aren’t allowed on Facebook.” I should’ve taken this as a sign, but I was young and “in love” and thought this was normal.
Ok, now if you aren’t comfortable at all with your SO I think you need to reevaluate the situation. I know a lot of women who have major insecurities, because I’m one of them. However if you’re afraid of your SO seeing you without makeup, or seeing you in sweats with your hair up and not washed, you need to either take care of yourself and insecurities first, or you just are not comfortable with your SO. It’s ok to be like this in the beginning because you’ve got the new relationship jitters/butterflies and you want to make a good impression, but if you’ve been with this person for quite some time, you need to reevaluate.
Lust not Love
Sure, it’s normal to be physically attracted to someone (this is lust), but love is when you are emotionally attracted to that person. Love is when you are in love with them as a person, including their flaws, their highs and lows, and love is patience. Being attracted to the superficial things will only take a relationship so far. Of course being attracted to both is also completely ok.
Puts you down
Your SO should be lifting you up. Your SO should be like your hype man, or like your friend who says “yasssss queen” when you post a new selfie. If he says things like “you look like shit without makeup” or “you’re fat” he’s not for you. At one point a guy I was seeing was telling me that my blog was pointless and that it wouldn’t get anywhere so I shouldn’t do it. I took that as a sign and said, well if you feel that way, goodbye.
Being proud isn’t reserved just for parents and their kids. If your SO isn’t absolutely proud of you and your accomplishments, ask yourself if this is truly someone you want to be with. Of course you might not require or want praise, but a little “I’m proud of you, you worked hard for that promotion” is not a lot to ask.
Is your SO a parasite? Is he/she living with you rent free, mooching off your every paycheck, not chipping in, and not trying to get a job? Yea, um girllllll get rid of him QUICK. I understand that sometimes our SO can suddenly lose their job and you might be helping them until they get back up on their feet, but they shouldn’t be buying unnecessary things with your money. They shouldn’t be lounging all day watching TV and not bothering to look for a job, and not even bothering to cook or clean for you so that you don’t have to when you get home. I understand that maybe for the first few days sulking in their misery of losing their job, but at the same time, get your ass up, pick up the pieces, and move forward, you’re not a child, you’re an adult with responsibilities.
Doesn’t like your kids
Now, I don’t have children, but I know a lot of women who do and are single moms who are getting back into the dating scene. I know that you so badly want to have someone in your life and someone to share special moments with that are something that happen in a relationship, but if your SO doesn’t like your kids, that’s a problem. Your kids are in your life forever. At this point I think you have to decide who’s more important; your kids, or some guy you barely know.
Your kids don’t like him
Of course sometimes children won’t like someone new, and sometimes they think they are trying to replace “daddy” or “mommy,” however listen to your kids. Sometimes they see something that you don’t. Outsiders usually see things that you don’t because you’re “in love” and have tunnel vision. I read this book recently called Dangerous Instincts and in that book this retired FBI Profiler talks about how to introduce a new boyfriend to your kids in a safe manner and how to not skew their judgement by saying “he’s a great guy” or anything like that because they might not look at him with a fresh pair of eyes. That book has a lot of great tips and I recommend everyone read it.
Lack of Honesty
I’m not saying that keeping a surprise birthday party falls under this topic. I’m talking about not being honest about major things. Before you get married you should discuss finances, because this can be a major pitfall of marriages that end in divorce. Your SO needs to be honest with you, even if the truth might make you angry.
This is an obvious one, but if you’re fighting constantly whether it be verbal or physical, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? I’ve talked to domestic violence victims and heard their testimonies along with my own personal experience with toxic relationships, and I understand that it’s hard to leave. I understand how “he promised he would change” becomes an everyday phrase you tell yourself. I understand being afraid to leave, especially if he’s abusive. I understand how you end up believing that everything is your fault, when it’s really not. But there are also ways to spot this behavior ahead of time. You have to be strong and leave, because you deserve so much better.
There are so many other ways to know if your SO is the one or not, but these are the basics. So many times I’ve seen women who are in relationships and you just know they won’t last, but you don’t know how to tell them that this new guy is a jerk. Someone I know who is now happily married, was in a horrible relationship before she met and married her soulmate, and I didn’t know how to tell her the relationship was not a good one. I never saw her cry that much, and I watched a strong woman turn into a weak, brittle, little girl. She was so manipulated and so far down the rabbit hole, that it wasn’t until one day when she snapped out of it and decided she deserved better. It’s hard to tell those closest to you that the “love of their life” is a scumbag. It’s also hard to get out of a relationship because you are afraid of being alone or starting over again. Once you get older though, you realize that you don’t want to be wasting your time anymore. That’s why after one of my most toxic relationships, I was single for quite some time. I went out on dates, but no one was worth my time. At that age I just thought, I don’t have time to waste. I took warning signs from previous relationships and used them when I was dating. Good thing I had this mentality, because when my fiance came along, I just knew that he was worth it. Although, I did make him wait a few weeks until we were official lol.
Remember your worth, and don’t ever let anyone, especially your SO tell you that you aren’t worth it.
Before I have y’all join the linkup, I wanted to state that this outfit came from a little inspiration. When I met up with my friend Shelbee On the Edge a few weeks ago (here) she wore the cutest outfit. I took her outfit and did something similar with my above pictures. However, check out these pictures of her, and where I got the idea from.
The above outfit she posted on her blog, here.
Style Elixir // The Fashion Canvas // Walking in Memphis in High Heels // I do deClaire //The Pleated Poppy // Pumps and Pushups // Elegantly Dressed & Stylish // Elegance and Mommyhood // Posh Classy Mom // Lady in Violet // Glass of Glam// Shelbee on the Edge // Foxy Domestic Side // Style Assisted // This Main Life