Monday Motivation Series: Shelbee On The Edge Guest Post About BOPO

Hi y’all! My name is Michelle and I write the blog Shelbee on the Edge. Monica asked me a few weeks back if I would share a post for her Monday Motivation Series about building body positivity. It took me a long time to appreciate the body I was given. I am just like probably every other woman on the planet who focuses on all the parts that I dislike about myself rather than praising the parts that I love. But even as we learn to praise our most noteworthy assets, we still need to appreciate the rest of it for all that our bodies do for us.

When I was younger, I was a highly active and motivated competitive swimmer measuring in with about 4% body fat (which is way too low for women, by the way). Even though I appeared to be an example of a very healthy lifestyle, 4% body fat is not at all healthy nor was my diet or my weight for that matter. I stand at about 5’8” and hit my lowest weight in my mid-20’s weighing in just under 120 pounds. And you know, I always thought I was fat. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw a fat ugly girl who lacked femininity and gracefulness. I was clumsy and awkward and just felt weird in my own body for half my life.

Then I found myself in a decade long battle with Bipolar Disorder, pumping my body full of all of sorts of psychotropic medications that made me feel lethargic, hungry, and tired all the time. In less than a year, I went from 120 pounds to 228 pounds, from a size 4/6 to a size 20/22. This was a major shock for me but something shifted in my perception. While I always thought I was fat when I was thin, I suddenly did not see an enormously overweight person when I looked in the mirror. Maybe because much of the weight was bloating from the medication or maybe because the medications were stabilizing my mental health and my self perception. After gaining over 100 pounds, I was just then learning to love myself and the body that I lived in.

Eventually, I made a conscious decision to do what I needed to do to get off the medications. I didn’t really like the way they made me feel overall. Under the strict supervision of an amazing therapist, I eventually was able to cease all psychotropic medications and manage my mood swings in more natural ways. (I have been medication free for over 11 years, by the way.) Within 6 months, I had lost 56 pounds, weighed 172 pounds, and wore a size 10/12. I was comfortable there. When I looked in the mirror, I saw an image of health and vibrancy. It was right around this time that I met my husband and when you get comfortable with someone (and start cooking lots of rich foods to impress them), you tend to gain some weight! We liked eating. Lots. Then I had kids. My peak weight since being married was 208 pounds. I was okay with it for a while as long as I didn’t get to near that 228 pound mark.

But now I was in my 40’s and started noticing some health issues like high blood pressure that required daily medication to manage. About a year ago, I decided that I definitely needed to make some changes towards a healthier lifestyle. Not because I was unhappy with the way I looked, but because my parents both died in their 50’s due mostly to unhealthy lifestyle choices. My kids are young (ages 6 and 8) and I am in my mid-40’s now and honestly, I just got scared of not being there for my children. So in September, I gradually started making changes in my diet. Not crazy changes, just small ones. And I don’t exercise much because I really just don’t like it. But I walk more when I have the opportunity and limit my intake of sugary fatty foods. I still indulge occasionally because life is short and I want to enjoy all of it. Just making these minor changes, I have lost 27 pounds since September. I would love to get back to my 172 pound mark (what I weighed when I met my husband), but I feel great at 181-185 pounds, too.

Of course, when I stare for too long in the mirror, I take notice of all the bumps and rolls and wrinkles and crinkles. But I am in my mid-40’s and some of that just comes with age. And I am okay with all of it. I have more energy, I feel better about myself, and I own the fact that I am a midlife woman who has some curves. I appreciate my body now more than ever. This body that grew two human lives and brought them into this world. This body that provides me with all the things I need to do all the things I love. I can still walk and run and jump and laugh and have crazy wild sex when I so desire. And I realize that as we women learn to appreciate our bodies with age, the men in our lives have always appreciated our bodies through all the changes. Our men who love us look at us and all they see is sexy, beautiful, wonderful, miraculous us.

When I was in my 20’s and 60 pounds lighter than I am now, I would have never had the confidence to wear a gold lace bodycon dress. But here I am now, 45 years old, a little bit overweight, and owning a gold lace bodycon dress. Holding my head high and strutting around town like I am some kind of rock star. Because you know what? I am a rock star. In my mirror, in my husband’s eyes, and in the eyes of everyone who loves me. And really, that is all it takes to feel positive in your body. Love. Lots and lots of love. So find your love from within and without. Feel it. Embrace it. And just be you. Beautiful, wonderful, sexy, miraculous you.

Thank you, Monica, for inviting me to share my take on body positivity. You are a beautiful, wonderful friend and I adore you!

Keeping it on the edge,

Shelbee